When I first saw Punch-Drunk Love, it became one of my favorite movies. I’m not sure why, but it spoke to me on a level I never expected a film to. Looking back now, I think I understand why; Barry Eagan is the rage and confusion we all contain inside of us while trying to find and navigate love. It is very clear that Barry has some sort of mental illness, doesn’t know how to navigate it, and wants to fix it.

Barry takes so much from everyone and tries his best to keep the peace, but it’s always at the expense of himself. Barry is lonely, aggressive, passionate, and seeking help. Love is what relieves Barry from his loneliness. Once he finds love, he no longer uses his aggression to fill the void left by the absence of love; instead, he uses his aggression to protect the love in his life. Love gives Barry meaning and changes him in a subtle yet prominent way.

No one ever tells you how to get over a breakup; they just tell you to do it. Though Barry does not go through a breakup in the film, he navigates enough hardships to get him to love. A breakup is like the reverse plot of Punch-Drunk Love. You find love, it starts to slip away from you, you lose it, you’re angry while trying to hold yourself together, and then boom, you’re calling a phone sex hotline. (I think the modern version of a phone sex line is maybe the smutty books the girlies are reading these days.) Enjoy this cute graphic I made below.

As I was saying, the plot of Punch-Drunk Love in reverse is a breakup. I used to feel like Barry, minus the anger, before I was in a relationship. Lonely and misunderstood. Being in that relationship made me feel like Barry when he found love. Strong, powerful, meaningful, and just happier. I felt seen, like Barry did; I felt understood, like Barry did; and overall, I felt accepted, just like Barry did, when I found love. In our cycle, replace “love is gone” with “you meet someone and develop a crush,” and “love slips away” with “you begin to date and get to know that person.” That’s how a relationship is formed. That’s how Barry’s relationship commenced. Instead of starting at the loneliness/phone sex line like Barry did, my story starts at the peak of this cycle. I found love, I was happy, and I was prepared to spend my life with love. Then love began to slip away as he met someone else and lied, hiding things from me. Next, love was gone because I could never forgive someone who cheated on me. Now I am at the angry/trying to hold it together part of the cycle, hence the title of this entry (and I hope I skip the phone sex line because I also do not read smutty books).

I am Punch-Drunk Unloved. I am drunk on the lack of love in my life, and I want to punch. Barry has an intense and deep-seated anger response when he is overstimulated, being taken advantage of, or disrespected. As the audience knows, Barry is about to live this life no longer, as he will soon find love. In the inverse, I am coming from love and feel like there is no saving grace that the audience is seeing. You see the way the cycle works after the sex line. And we all know, love found on a sex hotline is NOT love. I am going in the opposite direction of Barry and am possibly doomed.

Though I am on a different journey from Barry, I still find comfort in the film. PT Anderson was able to make a movie depicting a neurodivergent love story where being too passionate is not a flaw, but is a superpower. That is the lesson I typically take from the film. Barry is head over heels now that he’s found love in his life. He is willing to go to the ends of the earth to keep the love in his life and protect it. In my breakup, I have nothing to protect other than myself and my sanity. This is what is giving me hope to date again. I have nothing fragile in my hands, though I want to smash the glass window like Barry. But is my glass door? Is it the evil Leo terrorist? Is it the modern dating arena? Is it my career that is very time-consuming but rewarding? What is my glass door that needs to be smashed for me to move on?

Barry knows he is suffering from a mental illness, but he doesn’t know which one or how he can help himself. In a time when everyone has some form of neurodivergence, we still might not know how to handle heartbreak in ways that are not harmful or all-consuming. Barry’s anger is all-consuming until he finds love in his life. My anger stems from having love in my life and losing it, so I now have to be extra mindful of not seeking validation from a man to make my confusion disappear. Like Barry with the flight miles, I have had my hyper fixation, but I had to come back to reality and remind myself that it was just a band-aid, and I will find love again. For now, I need to focus on the love I can give myself and discover myself in new ways. 

In the film, we see Barry’s anger erupt multiple times due to his constant feeling of being misunderstood. Barry tries to make himself feel good by wearing a suit to work, and instead of people telling him they like his suit, they ask him why he is wearing it. Instead of his sisters telling him they’d like to see him, they bully him and try to control him. Barry is depressed and asks for help and tries to self-soothe, but nothing gives. There’s only so much one person can take when they are trying to find help. He had no choice but to break that glass door. As I stated, I do not know what my glass door is, but I hope I find relief when I break it and love finds me yet again. A true love that is understanding, kind, and true. A love that won’t question why I am wearing a suit, even if the agenda doesn’t require it. A love that won’t be frightened off by me wanting to attend to it and protect it.

Punch-Drunk Love is a film about a man trying to hold it together as much as possible before he finds love in his life. Now that the love in my life is gone, I am trying to hold it together with no indication, other than hope, that I will too find a new love in my life.